


Together as one

by chogifly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder, M/M, Mysophobia, Self Harm, but he is worried for taeyong, harsh parents, implied rape, implied suicide, jaehyun hates it, taeyong smokes a lot, tags will be updated as the story goes along, that was a warning, this is a mess idk where i’m going with this story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 01:47:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chogifly/pseuds/chogifly
Summary: But sadly, in the end, they both end up together.Together, as one.





	Together as one

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer- lower case is intended when talking about taeyong. this story is based around character development, however there are elements of mental illness so if you suffer with anything or have experienced anything that could be triggering, i do suggest you not read.

Loud music pounding in his ears, Jaehyun took another shot. Throat burning, he placed his glass back onto the bar table and glanced around. It was hectic, there were people grinding, dancing, making out with total strangers, and he stared, particularly at his two friends who's lips were locked.

Johnny and Ten were there, Ten against the wall as Johnny pinned his wrists. Furiously making out, Jaehyun smiled; they had both been crushing on each other for just over five months but had been too shy or scared to admit to one another.

Sighing, he walked past a grinding Yuta, a sleeping Winwin and the probably-new-couple. He walked outside, deciding to lean on the brick walls outside, taking deep breathes. He sighed, closing his eyes, thinking deeply about his life choices.

Head placed against the wall, Jaehyun grimaced as he smelt cigarette smoke, and he opened his eyes and turned his head towards the newcomer.

-why aren't you in there? a pretty boy like you shouldn't be out alone.- the male asked, voice raspy and deep. he flicked the cancer in his hand, put it up to his mouth and took a long drag.

-I have to be the responsible one tonight. I'm driving home so I can't really get drunk.- this man had something eerie about him. the air around him was mysterious, and as jaehyun really looked at him, he saw that the other looked bad. as in, his eye bags were dark and sunken, his jacket loomed loosely around his tiny frame, he was skinny. very skinny.

-i see,- another drag. -you don't seem to be having much fun.- he blew the grey substance out of his mouth, and jaehyun stared, watching as it seemed to almost evaporate into the air. almost.

-I'm not,- he replied. -In fact I haven't had much fun in a.. while.- he hesitated. the other glanced at him, and before he could take another drag jaehyun slapped the cigarette out of his hand onto the ground and stepped on it, grinding his foot to put out the addictive. -Don't smoke,- he said, -It's bad for you.-

the other looked surprised, frozen in place as he watched what he just did. then, scaring jaehyun, burst into laughter, clutching his stomach. jaehyun just looked at him in confusion. -you're funny!- holding out a hand, he grinned. -the name's taeyong,- jaehyun took his hand.

-Jaehyun.- they stared at each other, never letting go, until taeyong's phone rang. he cursed, realising what time it was and ignoring the person ringing him, instead turning his phone on silent. he turned to jaehyun, claiming he had to leave. -Will I get to see you again?- he asked, as taeyong started walking away. pausing he turned around.

-only fate will decide that, dearest jaehyun.- reached into his back pocket, only to pull out a box and lighter. smirking and taking another cigarette out of the box, he lit it and raised an eyebrow as he took another long drag, flicking the ashes away. -farewell, pretty boy.-

Jaehyun stared at the man walking away, until he turned a corner. Sighing, he went into the doors suddenly surrounded by loud music again. Time to get these fuckers home.

–––

Argument with parents aren't the best thing Jaehyun has ever done. But they're being unfair. They're not allowing him to choose his future, they're choosing one for him. They won't listen to his reasons.

-Mum, Fathe- He tried, but was rudely interrupted.

-Jaehyun, we've already signed the contract for you to become an anesthesiologists! Just listen to us for once for fuck sake!- Bottom lip quivering, he looked at them with betrayal in his eyes. Stepping back, he turned and ran into his room. Scattered around the floor was assignment papers, photographs and little drawings that he does when bored. He took out his emergency bag from under his bed, which had everything he needed when he knew this day was going to come. Opening his bedside drawers, he grabbed all the cash he had saved over the past few years and stuffed it into his bag and pockets. Running back down the stairs, avoiding eye contact with his parents bewildered stares, and ran out the door. Maybe he would regret this, but right now he didn't care to answer his parents calls.

It was night, and he was standing on the edge of Changseon-Samcheonpo Bridge. There weren't any cars. He stood there. Debating. If he did, if he did decide to be selfish, then he wouldn't hurt anymore. He wouldn't have to deal with these emotions, this meaningless life.

But.. He would hurt his friends.. His friends would be upset, and he doesn't want to be the cause of his friend pain.

Eventually, his selfish side took over. He slung his bang onto the floor (someone will be lucky if they found it) and started to climb over the railing. When both his legs got to the other side, he stood and held onto the bars. He closed his eyes, relishing in his last moments.

-and what the _fuck_ do you think you're doing, pretty boy?- Jaehyun's eyes snapped open and he wrenched his head to look at who was speaking to him. taeyong. taeyong's eyes were narrowed, anger swirling in his iris'. a cigarette was in his right hand, between his middle and fore finger, thumb occasionally flicking in habit. they stared in silence, until taeyong decided to raise a sharp eyebrow. -well?-

-i.. i was just admiring the view..- _bullshit_ , jaehyun thought.

-bull, fucking, shit. don't give me that crap.- taeyong scowled. how did jaehyun not notice? he should have noticed a person walking when he checked. that's when he realised the black mercedes behind him, lights turned off. he looked at taeyong, looked at his lips that were snarled back into a frowning growl. -come here,- he called out, sharply. however, jaehyun didn't look like he registered what he said, looking like a doe caught in sight. -don't make me repeat myself,- he warned, stepping closer. jaehyun saw that taeyong was getting closer, and cried out.

-D..Don't come closer!- he stepped closer to the edge. taeyong visibly faltered and his narrowed eyes softened.

-jaehyun, don't do this, come with me and we can talk about it.- and somehow, these words comforted the other, to the point where he nodded, tears running down his cheeks. the other rushed forwards, grabbing his arms and pulled him over the edge. how? jaehyun has no idea, his skinny frame would suggest his arms are like twigs.

when jaehyun got to the other side, he collapsed onto the ground, sobbing. he barely registered taeyong grabbing his bag, slinging it into the back of his car, and pulling jaehyun into the passenger seat. the inside of the care was sleek and clean, and the engine was quiet.

as the smoker drove, jaehyun's tears died down little by little, to the point he just sat there occasionally shuddering and wiping a small tear. taeyong glances at him, and decided the other was now strong enough to answer a burning question. -why?- his voice was quiet, afraid, not wanting to set jaehyun off again.

jaehyun stared through the front window for a long moment, and taeyong almost repeated his question. finally, he looked at him, and gave a small smile with no emotion. -Sorry,- he said, -I was.. thinking.- his voice was soft and a bit strained, almost as if someone had punched him in the gut and he was still recovering. -I get lost a lot these days..- he added -I'm sorry.- his voice was shaky, kept low but gentle and he spoke slowly as if to relay a sense of steadiness, like a calm before the storm full of grief.

-don't worry,- assured the driver. -all i'm saying is that i didn't stop to save you, and then get no explanation in return.- he glanced at jaehyun, a sense of urgency in his eyes, as if he _had_ to know what made this pretty boy close to suicide, as if he _had_ to make sure this pretty boy was safe and happy.

jaehyun closed his eyes. -I know,- he choked out, -just not right now.-

-okay.- he hesitated, hand reaching into his back pocket.

-If you put that fucking thing in your mouth i will jump out this window while you are doing 80 miles per hour.-

he opts for putting his hand on jaehyun's instead.

 

the night sky was exceptionally clear, the bitter air streaming in from the rolled down windows. jaehyun has no idea where he's going, all he knows is that taeyong is taking him somewhere in his car. somewhere safe, he said, away from all his problems. bland roads started turning into buildings, darkness being filled up with city lights.

 _This.. this place is expensive.. I'm not even sure if my parents could afford this!_ that was saying something. jaehyun's parents had well paying jobs, thus expecting jaehyun to follow in their footsteps.

taeyong continued driving, every once in a while feeling his fingers twitch from craving the addictive. pursing his lips, he placed both hands on the wheel and clenched tightly. never, has he wanted one so badly. sensing his restlessness, taeyong saw the other look at him worriedly, so he stopped bouncing his knee furiously and biting his already chapped lips.

pulling into a drive way, he lightly smiled at jaehyun who was staring at his house in awe. despite not physically looking it, taeyong was quite loaded. working as a private attorney, he earned hefty amount around 4,290,120,000 korean won, which was around 4,000,000 us dollars a year.

so yes, he was loaded, but he wasn't going to tell this porcelain boy that just yet.

turning his car off, he stepped out, waiting for jaehyun to get out of the car in shock before locking it. they walked into the mansion, the smoker turning the light switch as the front room slowly came to light.

here, jaehyun could see how bad taeyong _really_ looked. his eyes were bloodshot, figure hunched and fragile; was he eating enough?

taeyong smiled in defeat. he wouldn't be surprised if jaehyun walked out right here, right now. he hated himself, he hated how his teeth were eroding from excessive throwing up, how he spent more time in his bathroom than his kitchen.  
if asked to describe it, he would describe depression as the unseen, unheard, silent killer. the pain that is too much to cope with, too difficult to deal with and so misunderstood. you can't escape it no matter how hard you try, because it will follow you around like a black shadow that's on the inside, eating you.

but jaehyun only pursed his lips and looked around the room.

-i have many guest rooms upstairs, you can choose whichever one you want. unless, you'd like to sleep with me?- raising his eyebrow suggestively. the pure boy blushed and muttered -I'll choose a room, thanks.- with taeyong's gaze following him as he looked at them. in the end, he chose one closest to taeyong's room, and he didn't know how to describe it. it was breathtaking, the walls were painted in a cream beige, and there was a king size bed with white covers. on the opposite wall, there was a bookcase filled with fiction books, and two lounge chairs facing diagonally towards each other. there was a mini coffee table, that had a chess board laying upon it, and an elegant mirror rimmed in black hanging on the wall, a white wardrobe beside. and finally, at the end of the room, there were double glass doors leading to a balcony that had silky white, satin curtains that were draped to the side.

jaehyun, again, looked around in awe, turning around to look at the other. -Thank you for letting me stay here,- soft spoken, smiling shyly towards him. taeyong smiled.

-get some sleep, porcelain boy.-

–––

He was always a light sleeper, Jaehyun, rising up at ungodly times in the morning.

 _05:04_ his phone read. Sitting up from the comfortable bed, his hands reaching up to rub his puffy eyes; the result of crying so much. He walked to the wardrobe, wanting to wear clean clothes, and blinked when he saw it was full of clothes, arranged in colour order. It must be a spare closet, he thought, and picked out an oversized school-styled buttoned shirt, and black jeans. The jeans somehow fit him, which was surprising considering how tiny Taeyong was. At the bottom, there were a variety of shoes, each having their own style. Looking through his options, he settled for going bare feet. It wasn't like he was going anywhere anytime soon.

Raising his eyes, he gazed outside, at the rich purple sky turning a bright orange. The cloud danced over the horizon, and Jaehyun opened the balcony doors to take in the serenity of the view. The floor was cold as his feet padded along it, but the view was beautiful. Shivering, he lightly wrapped his arms around himself as a sharp breeze tousled his messy hair.

-beautiful, isn't it.- he jumped, surprised at the new voice. turning to his left, he saw taeyong with a lit bud in his hand. scowling, jaehyun was tempted to jump over and somehow parkour his way to the other balcony, just to slap the cigarette out of his hand. he decided not to though, as he was _just_ saved from death.

-Take that thing out of your mouth.- blank. taeyong looked over, eyes wide and confused, and froze when he saw jaehyun wearing his clothes. he only realised he was staring when jaehyun raised an eyebrow and cleared this throat. -Well?- taeyong smirked and breathed in the chemicals and fumes that harmed his body. looking at the other, he watched as jaehyun narrowed his eyes. chuckling, he took the bud out of his mouth and crushed it in the ashtray that lay on the table, beside him.

-fine then, pretty boy.- jaehyun looked beautiful in his clothes. like a god, he couldn't believe he was standing in front of him. taeyong felt as if he had to kneel, to bow on the floor.

but he just turned his head towards the sun, basking in the breeze. then, hesitantly, -.. do you want some breakfast..?- lips pursed. jaehyun looked over.

-It depends what you have.-

they were in the kitchen, taeyong fumbling around as he hadn't been in that space in a little while. pancakes were being made, and jaehyun sat at the marble counter watching the other's every move. taeyong only took out one plate, and stacked all the pancakes he made. placed beside the breakfast, maple syrup was presented and both things were slid towards jaehyun.

-You're not going to eat..?- asked the younger. frowning, he stared at the other, taeyong feeling self-conscious at jaehyun's scrutinising stare. fiddling with the bottom of his shirt, the smaller of the two shook his head and sat opposite jaehyun. watched him eat. shook his head when jaehyun offered a piece of pancake.

he looked at taeyong pleadingly, silently begging for him to eat. eyes cast down, taeyong clenched his fists tightly and opened his mouth.

_it's okay taeyong. it's not dirty. it won't hurt you. everything used to make this has been washed by you. you know where it's been. you aren't going to relapse. just take a bite. and swallow._

he let a breath out, one he didn't know he was holding, and opened his mouth, eyes shut tightly. chewed. swallowed dryly.

-One more.- his eyes snapped open, widening when he saw jaehyun go for another forkful.

-jaehyun, i can't. i really can't, i..-

-Yoonoh.- taeyong looked at him confused. -My real name is Yoonoh. And please...- taeyong pursed his lips. took in a shaky breath and let out a small 'fine'. he ate the section of the breakfast, chewing and chewing and chewing, shuddering when it finally went down. bouncing his knee, his mind started racing, and he quickly excused himself to the bathroom.

making sure to lock the door, he raced to the toilet, fingers immediately reaching into his throat. he gagged, fingertips scratching the back of his mouth which was the cause of his raspy voice. in front of the toilet, he fell to his knees as his heaving and gagging caused the pancake to come back up, along with bile. tears fell down his cheeks, gasping and heart racing as his mother's voice rang through this head.

 

_-taeyong! you can't eat that, it will make you sick!- she scolded him, taking disinfectant surface wipes and rubbing it all over his hands and arms. she wiped down the table, eyebrows raised above her head. -at least clean these first!- she took another wipe and wiped the strawberry laces taeyong held in his hand. she then wiped her hands again, muttering under her breath._

_taeyong suddenly didn't feel as hungry when his mum dragged him to the toilet, shoving her fingers down his throat, causing him to gag and thrash around in her arms._

_-stop moving! you don't want to become sick, do you?- taeyong really didn't want to become ill, so he laid limp, throwing up the sweets he had earlier. his mother got more disinfectant wipes and cleaned her hands and taeyong's mouth. taeyong hated the taste of it, he hated how his mother's food always tasted bitter. he hated his mum's food. -good, now that i've cleaned these... things,- she looked at the laces in disgust, -you can eat them.-_

taeyong gasped, the horrible memory burning his brain, and he let out a little sob. he fell to the wall next to the toilet, and wiped his eyes. then, he crawled over to the bottom of his sink, opening the cabinet under it to get disinfectant surface wipes. he wiped his hands thoroughly, wiping his mouth next. wiping his eyes, he deemed he had spent enough time in he bathroom, and sluggishly walked out.

if jaehyun heard anything, he said nothing about it, eyes downcast as he finished his pancakes.

–––

He remembers the words clearly, haunting him at the back of his brain.

  
_dear jaehyun, the best brother ever._

 _first of all, don't hurt!_  
it's because of you i can confidently do this.  
_also, i'm sorry. i already feel horrible writing this, and knowing you will read it just brings me down further in the swirling pool of depression. i feel horrible knowing that i won't be able to see you, that you won't be able to see me alive one last time._

 _lucas did it again. he says all this nice stuff to me, but i can't help but feel empty. i don't even feel resentment anymore, i only feel happy when you, ten, johnny and winnie hyung's are with me._  
_i feel dirty.. i feel used._  
 _jaehyunnie-hyung, don't let anyone choose for you. make a decision, and if you can't, then get away.  
when lucas came and did those things to me... jaehyun i feel disgusting. i feel so dirty, like a piece of me was taken away, and now i regret not saying anything, and i don't like it anymore._

_so don't hurt! of course you can be sad, you can be angry, but don't hurt too much. you can find peace in knowing that i'm happy, i love you hyung._

_keep living for me._

_chen le._

  
when jaehyun first read those words, blood was pumping in his ears. his heart thudded in his chest. his feet tingled. his hands shook. his vision disfigured, and his breath was unstable.

he had never cried so much, shutting himself out when he ran out to find chenle, only to see him in his bathtub, watery blood enveloping him. he locked himself in his room, chenle's small jumper on his face. he cried and cried and cried, nothing would fill the emptiness in his heart, nothing would fill the gap of chenle's sudden death, nothing would get rid of the lump in his throat, nothing would get rid of the pain.

he shut himself out for days, weeks, almost leading up to a month until ten opened his door, hairpin in hand and demanded jaehyun to grow up.

of course, jaehyun has yelled at him, shouting the thoughts that were clouding his mind, _shut the fuck up! who are you to barge in here and tell me to get over chenle, you don't know how i feel! you don't know how lonely i feel, how empty i am. you don't know, ten, how much he meant to me!_

_jaehyu-_

_NO! no! look at this. look at this ten, he rolled up his sleeve, i tried to find a vein! i-i want to see him again.. i want to say goodbye.._

and it was only then, he realised ten came for him to let out his feelings, to let out his anger, and he just exposed one of his biggest secrets that he swore he wasn't going to tell anyone. his heart thudded in his chest, all he could hear was thumping as he watched ten's eyes widen in horror. freezing, his breath caught in his throat.

_no... no why whywhywhywhywh-_

walking over to the hysteric boy, ten places his hands on jaehyun's shoulders.

_why did i do that? why? i'm so stupid. stupid stupid stupidstupidstupidstupi-_

_jaehyun, look at me._ jaehyun shook his head, eyes clenched shut. knees were quivering, buckling under him, and he fell back on his bed. an invisible hand wrapped around his throat, cutting off his breathing, and chittaphon knew what jaehyun was thinking, what the shitstorm going through his head was.

  
it ended with jaehyun straddling ten, head buried in collarbone, and ten comfortingly running his fingers through the others hair. both with tears running down their cheeks.

_i hope you made it safe. i'll live, for you._

an empty promise.

—

His phone was ringing.

Answer.

"Jae? Where are you?" Fuck. He didn't tell anyone where he'd be.

"I'm okay Johnny. I'm not.. exactly sure where I am, but the guy who's letting me stay here is really nice." he spoke, fingers fiddling with the ring he kept on his left pointer finger, special words engraved within it.

"What! You disappear, worrying _everyone_ , even Ten, and you don't even know where you are!" from the corner of his eye, he could see the concerned look on taeyong's face. seems like taeyong could detect the little flinch that had crossed his face.

 _put it on speaker,_ he mouthed. jaehyun did as told, biting his bottom lip as taeyong took his right hand into both of his.

"Jung Jaehyun. Where the fuck are you." he glanced at taeyong, a mix of fear and helplessness swirling in his brown orbs. taeyong grabbed the other's phone.

"he's with me, lee taeyong."


End file.
